The walls we build around us to keep sadness out also keeps out the joy. - Jim Rohn
When we are attracted to someone, we come face to face with our vulnerability. Before we can connect, we need to risk the possibility of being rejected. And although we all long for a satisfying connection, often our fear of being refused closes us off long before taking a first step. It wasn’t until I worked with a man around this issue that I realized that I was just as fearful as he was.
Claude, a quiet shy man in his early 50s learned to conceal his sexual energy. From a complex early life, he did his very best to hide his emerging sexuality for fear of abandonment by his family. And now as an adult, he moves through the world as an invisible man.
He is quick to give men that he is attracted to a way to overlook him. By being overly polite and shy, he comes across as a kindly Mr. Rogers character, safe with children and surrounded by cats. But in truth, he is a wonderfully, wild sexual being.
During a intimacy coaching session, I was playing with an experiment to see if we could amp up his edge. I prompted him to use the word ‘fuck’ in every sentence. Saying the word ‘fuck’ is like honking your sexual horn. I don’t use the word very often myself, but I was curious to see how this might affect his nice guy image.
“I think I’m ready to fucking date again.” he began. “It’s been a long fucking time.” I have to admit that it did change the climate and it was fun. To have Claude uttering a good ole reference to fornication every few seconds brought forward a raw edge to the proceedings.
Every so often between sessions, I thought about him and would text him with an assignment to inspire him to inhabit more sexual energy throughout his day.
“Every time you see an attractive guy, I want you to say to yourself ‘Fuck yeah!’” I think I do something like this all the time without thinking about it. I didn’t want to assume that Claude was a horny guy like me so soon after I set this assignment in motion, I got some enthusiastic responses.
“Hey Lui, I’m sitting in Broadway Coffee and Tea, fuck-yeahing away!”
“When you see a fuck yeah, I want you to send him a bolt of sexual energy. Imagine it moving through space and breaking over his body like a wave. Get to work!”
“Fuck YEAAAHHH, Sir! Guy sitting across the table here at Starbucks on 14th, huge 'Fuck Yeah' material, has been getting wave after wave of this energy from me. I’m noticing I don’t have to be looking at him to send the energy over to him. He has tats on his arms peaking out from his tight black sweater. FUCK!!!!! :)”
From these first two assignments, it’s clear that Claude had no problem feeling his sexual energy. Clearly, he enjoys it. And even though there is very low risk of rejection, Claude can share his sexual energy with men he finds attractive if only in his imagination.
That’s where we needed to start. Claude needed to imagine something before he could take the next step.
The next assignment was not so straight forward.
“Now today you’ll have to turn it around. Imagine every 'Fuck yeah' guy is looking at you and thinking 'fuck yeah!' about you.”
“That makes me blush, but yes, I can do that. I will try.”
In this next assignment, I wanted Claude to play with visualizing receiving sexual energy from others. If we can’t conceive that its even possible, we may be blocking it when it happens. Attraction goes both ways and odds are that someone you are attracted to is also attracted to you. A good place to start is to imagine that it happens all the time.
After a few days, I check in with him.
“How are you doing with your latest assignment?”
“I’m noticing that it’s more difficult for me to receive a 'fuck yeah' from someone else. When I give someone a 'fuck yeah' energy, that’s easier, unless they pick up on it, then I get ultra embarrassed.”
We have no control over others and their desires. Not everyone is attracted to us and we are not attracted to everyone either. So imagining that someone desires us when they clearly don’t is hard to do, but it doesn’t mean that the assignment is a failure.
“For the rest of the day and however long you want to do this, imagine your sexual energy surrounds you like a big bubble. Let every guy that inspires a ‘fuck yeah’ from you to fill your bubble with sexual energy from the inside. Let your bubble be big in the presence of guys that turn you on and at the same time, imagine a doorway in your bubble for their sexual energy to come to you whether it does or not. Just put a door where there was once a wall.”
“You rock. I will do this.”
I was so inspired by these assignments that I started doing them myself and discovered that I did a lot of blocking. Closing myself off from the possibility that someone I truly desired could also desire me. This assignment hasn’t resulted in an overwhelming arrival of new lovers. It simply feels better to be embracing my sexual energy and imagining possibilities than it does to energize barriers. Remaining open, even if only in our imaginations, keeps us believing that more life and more pleasure is flowing in our direction.
For those of us that grew up in environments unwelcoming to same sex attractions, we suppressed our natural desires in order to survive. That muscle to contract and hide can still be very strong. We don’t need to apologize for the fact that we are sexual beings and that we have attractions. It is our right to look around and say ‘fuck yeah!’ without fear.
The last time I saw Claude something had shifted. He sat on my couch with his knees a little more open, his top two buttons unfastened and his arms spread out on the cushions. He was taking up a lot more space than normally. It looked good on him. He seemed more relaxed and even a little more powerful.
When I pointed it out to him, he looked down at himself and laughed. “I must be expanding. I’m in a much bigger bubble these days. Fuck yeah!”